He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
