There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
