so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
