I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize