dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
