Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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