i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
