my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
