dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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