looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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