Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
where am i from again
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
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