The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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