Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
