im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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