you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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