You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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