ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
pop tarts are not kleenex
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
