The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
