Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
