Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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