For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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