I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
