well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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