Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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