Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
