I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
