I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
