Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
