The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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