oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
