I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
why is half of my head shaved?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
