Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
