i was born a porn star she said
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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