11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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