oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
