I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize