I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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