I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
