sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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