Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
