Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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