Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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