The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
