I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Let's get the cat blown out
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
