I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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