Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
