She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Did you pee in the oven last night??
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
