Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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