I'm really into asian looking animals
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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