Dude my mom stole all your condoms
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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