I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
