it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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