she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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