Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
