my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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