You don't have asthma, your pregnant
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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