too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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