Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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