I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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