i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
