"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
not ubering you a puppy
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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