We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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