Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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