The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Randomize
