Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
