If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
