8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
