Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
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